My first written works!

[Xenarius]

The Elusive

Never will I sleep
Not knowing your name
Never will I weep
Knowing you came
Never will I hate
The sound of your voice
Never can I change
The way you make me feel

But never do you stay
To warm me in the cold
All I really ask
Is to have you to hold

You show up in my life
Without warning
You leave my life
Quickly in mourning
The smile you bring me
Is stolen without warning

And All I truly ask of you love
Is that you be a part of me.

Please let me know what you guys think!

[pinefresh]

I like it. I cannot comment truely on this beyond that because this is beyond my ability to do so. Good job and wait for the professionals to come and critque you!

[jellar]

It's a pretty damn good poem for your first written work, I might say.

Of course, however, there will be critiques and the like.

First off, the rhyme scheme is really shaky. Sometimes you have the rhyme right on the dot, yet other times you don't seem to have put any effort to rhyme at all. It leaves a feeling of inconsistency in the last four lines of the first stanza. Continuing rhyming with the second and fourth lines of the second stanza leaves a weird feeling in my mouth. I would either have everything rhyming or nothing for every stanza. For example, if you had everything rhyme in the first stanza, yet kill the rhyming in the second stanza, it would be a great way to have transition for the mood change.

Another thing is rhythm. It's a little shaky at parts and makes me have to reread the poem to get the understanding. You'd want to either at least keep the same number of syllables in each line for every stanza or get some stressing patterns more correct. Though this is very hard, I know, there are definitely ways to repair the rhythm in your poem. For example, in "You show up in my life/Without warning", you could add 'any' between "Without" and "warning" to keep the number of syllables the same.

Lastly, you should probably use a larger variety of phrases or words. I'm mainly referring to 'without warning' used in the last stanza twice and also using 'life' twice at the end of the lines. It doesn't seem to have a pattern like the "Never will/Never can" in the first stanza.

That's about everything I have to say; great poem for starters, keep up the good work.

[Xenarius]

Betrayed again

Breathing slows
Eyes lock
And you know it

She is the one
You've been searching for
The beauty of her face
Her sharp mind

You approach
Full of confidence
And make the first move

Danger looms
You leap from your rock
Only to find
Air

Falling slowly
Like in a dream
You wonder
What if
And how come

The pain
Of your bleeding heart
Is more than you can bear

Finally you land
Broken and despairing
With nowhere to turn

Your mind tells you
That this is your fault
and that you're worthless

But soon you realize
You're heart is to blame
Though now its weeping

Why my heart
Have you betrayed me again?